THEY were always having grand
tournaments there at Camelot;
and very stirring and picturesque
and ridiculous human bull-fights
they were, too, but just a little
wearisome to the practical mind.
However, I was generally on hand
-- for two reasons: a man must
not hold himself aloof from the
things which his friends and
his community have at heart if
he would be liked -- especially
as a statesman; and both as business
man and statesman I wanted to
study the tournament and see
if I couldn't invent an improvement
on it. That reminds me to remark,
in passing, that the very first
official thing I did, in my administration
-- and it was on the very first
day of it, too -- was to start
a patent office; for I knew that
a country without a patent office
and good patent laws was just
a crab, and couldn't travel any
way but sideways or
backways.
Things ran along, a tournament
nearly every week; and now and
then the boys used to want me
to take a hand -- I mean Sir
Launcelot and the rest -- but
I said I would by and by; no
hurry yet, and too much government
machinery to oil up and set to
rights and start a-going.
We had one tournament which
was continued from day to day
during more than a week, and
as many as five hundred knights
took part in it, from first to
last. They were weeks gathering.
They came on horseback from everywhere;
from the very ends of the country,
and even from beyond the sea;
and many brought ladies, and
all brought squires and troops
of servants. It was a most gaudy
and gorgeous crowd, as to costumery,
and very characteristic of the
country and the time, in the
way of high animal spirits, innocent
indecencies of language, and
happy-hearted indifference to
morals. It was fight or look
on, all day and every day; and
sing, gamble, dance, carouse
half the night every night. They
had a most noble good time. You
never saw such people. Those
banks of beautiful ladies, shining
in their barbaric splendors,
would see a knight sprawl from
his horse in the lists with a
lanceshaft the thickness of your
ankle clean through him and the
blood spouting, and instead of
fainting they would clap their
hands and crowd each other for
a better view; only sometimes
one would dive into her handkerchief,
and look ostentatiously broken-hearted,
and then you could lay two to
one that there was a scandal
there somewhere and she was afraid
the public hadn't found it out.
The noise at night would have
been annoying to me ordinarily,
but I didn't mind it in the present
circumstances, because it kept
me from hearing the quacks detaching
legs and arms from the day's
cripples. They ruined an uncommon
good old cross-cut saw for me,
and broke the saw-buck, too,
but I let it pass. And as for
my axe -- well, I made up my
mind that the next time I lent
an axe to a surgeon I would pick
my century.
I not only watched this tournament
from day to day, but detailed
an intelligent priest from my
Department of Public Morals and
Agriculture, and ordered him
to report it; for it was my purpose
by and by, when I should have
gotten the people along far enough,
to start a newspaper. The first
thing you want in a new country,
is a patent office; then work
up your school system; and after
that, out with your paper. A
newspaper has its faults, and
plenty of them, but no matter,
it's hark from the tomb for a
dead nation, and don't you forget
it. You can't resurrect a dead
nation without it; there isn't
any way. So I wanted to sample
things, and be finding out what
sort of reportermaterial I might
be able to rake together out
of the sixth century when I should
come to need it.
Well, the priest did very well,
considering. He got in all the
details, and that is a good thing
in a local item: you see, he
had kept books for the undertakerdepartment
of his church when he was younger,
and there, you know, the money's
in the details; the more details,
the more swag: bearers, mutes,
candles, prayers -- everything
counts; and if the bereaved don't
buy prayers enough you mark up
your candles with a forked pencil,
and your bill shows up all right.
And he had a good knack at getting
in the complimentary thing here
and there about a knight that
was likely to advertise -- no,
I mean a knight that had influence;
and he also had a neat gift of
exaggeration, for in his time
he had kept door for a pious
hermit who lived in a sty and
worked miracles.
Of course this novice's report
lacked whoop and crash and lurid
description, and therefore wanted
the true ring; but its antique
wording was quaint and sweet
and simple, and full of the fragrances
and flavors of the time, and
these little merits made up in
a measure for its more important
lacks. Here is an extract from
it:
Then Sir Brian de les Isles
and Grummore Grummorsum, knights
of the castle, encountered with
Sir Aglovale and Sir Tor, and
Sir Tor smote down Sir Grummore
Grummorsum to the earth. Then
came Sir Carados of the dolorous
tower, and Sir Turquine, knights
of the castle, and there encountered
with them Sir Percivale de Galis
and Sir Lamorak de Galis, that
were two brethren, and there
encountered Sir Percivale with
Sir Carados, and either brake
their spears unto their hands,
and then Sir Turquine with Sir
Lamorak, and either of them smote
down other, horse and all, to
the earth, and either parties
rescued other and horsed them
again. And Sir Arnold, and Sir
Gauter, knights of the castle,
encountered with Sir Brandiles
and Sir Kay, and these four knights
encountered mightily, and brake
their spears to their hands.
Then came Sir Pertolope from
the castle, and there encountered
with him Sir Lionel, and there
Sir Pertolope the green knight
smote down Sir Lionel, brother
to Sir Launcelot. All this was
marked by noble heralds, who
bare him best, and their names.
Then Sir Bleobaris brake his
spear upon Sir Gareth, but of
that stroke Sir Bleobaris fell
to the earth. When Sir Galihodin
saw that, he bad Sir Gareth keep
him, and Sir Gareth smote him
to the earth. Then Sir Galihud
gat a spear to avenge his brother,
and in the same wise Sir Gareth
served him, and Sir Dinadan and
his brother La Cote Male Taile,
and Sir Sagramore le Disirous,
and Sir Dodinas le Savage; all
these he bare down with one spear.
When King Aswisance of Ireland
saw Sir Gareth fare so he marvelled
what he might be, that one time
seemed green, and another time,
at his again coming, he seemed
blue. And thus at every course
that he rode to and fro he changed
his color, so that there might
neither king nor knight have
ready cognizance of him. Then
Sir Agwisance the King of Ireland
encountered with Sir Gareth,
and there Sir Gareth smote him
from his horse, saddle and all.
And then came King Carados of
Scotland, and Sir Gareth smote
him down horse and man. And in
the same wise he served King
Uriens of the land of Gore. And
then there came in Six Bagdemagus,
and Sir Gareth smote him down
horse and man to the earth. And
Bagdemagus's son Meliganus brake
a spear upon Sir Gareth mightily
and knightly. And then Sir Galahault
the noble prince cried on high,
Knight with the many colors,
well hast thou justed; now make
thee ready that I may just with
thee. Sir Gareth heard him, and
he gat a great spear, and so
they encountered together, and
there the prince brake his spear;
but Sir Gareth smote him upon
the left side of the helm, that
he reeled here and there, and
he had fallen down had not his
men recovered him. Truly, said
King Arthur, that knight with
the many colors is a good knight.
Wherefore the king called unto
him Sir Launcelot, and prayed
him to encounter with that knight.
Sir, said Launcelot, I may as
well find in my heart for to
forbear him at this time, for
he hath had travail enough this
day, and when a good knight doth
so well upon some day, it is
no good knight's part to let
him of his worship, and, namely,
when he seeth a knight hath done
so great labour; for peradventure,
said Sir Launcelot, his quarrel
is here this day, and peradventure
he is best beloved with this
lady of all that be here, for
I see well he paineth himself
and enforceth him to do great
deeds, and therefore, said Sir
Launcelot, as for me, this day
he shall have the honour; though
it lay in my power to put him
from it, I would not.
There was an
unpleasant little episode that
day, which for reasons
of state I struck out of my priest's
report. You will have noticed
that Garry was doing some great
fighting in the engagement. When
I say Garry I mean Sir Gareth.
Garry was my private pet name
for him; it suggests that I had
a deep affection for him, and
that was the case. But it was
a private pet name only, and
never spoken aloud to any one,
much less to him; being a noble,
he would not have endured a familiarity
like that from me. Well, to proceed:
I sat in the private box set
apart for me as the king's minister.
While Sir Dinadan was waiting
for his turn to enter the lists,
he came in there and sat down
and began to talk; for he was
always making up to me, because
I was a stranger and he liked
to have a fresh market for his
jokes, the most of them having
reached that stage of wear where
the teller has to do the laughing
himself while the other person
looks sick. I had always responded
to his efforts as well as I could,
and felt a very deep and real
kindness for him, too, for the
reason that if by malice of fate
he knew the one particular anecdote
which I had heard oftenest and
had most hated and most loathed
all my life, he had at least
spared it me. It was one which
I had heard attributed to every
humorous person who had ever
stood on American soil, from
Columbus down to Artemus Ward.
It was about a humorous lecturer
who flooded an ignorant audience
with the killingest jokes for
an hour and never got a laugh;
and then when he was leaving,
some gray simpletons wrung him
gratefully by the hand and said
it had been the funniest thing
they had ever heard, and "it
was all they could do to keep
from laughin' right out in meetin'." That
anecdote never saw the day that
it was worth the telling; and
yet I had sat under the telling
of it hundreds and thousands
and millions and billions of
times, and cried and cursed all
the way through. Then who can
hope to know what my feelings
were, to hear this armorplated
ass start in on it again, in
the murky twilight of tradition,
before the dawn of history, while
even Lactantius might be referred
to as "the late Lactantius," and
the Crusades wouldn't be born
for five hundred years yet? Just
as he finished, the call-boy
came; so, haw-hawing like a demon,
he went rattling and clanking
out like a crate of loose castings,
and I knew nothing more. It was
some minutes before I came to,
and then I opened my eyes just
in time to see Sir Gareth fetch
him an awful welt, and I unconsciously
out with the prayer, "I hope
to gracious he's killed!" But
by ill-luck, before I had got
half through with the words,
Sir Gareth crashed into Sir Sagramor
le Desirous and sent him thundering
over his horse's crupper, and
Sir Sagramor caught my remark
and thought I meant it for HIM.
Well, whenever one of those
people got a thing into his head,
there was no getting it out again.
I knew that, so I saved my breath,
and offered no explanations.
As soon as Sir Sagramor got well,
he notified me that there was
a little account to settle between
us, and he named a day three
or four years in the future;
place of settlement, the lists
where the offense had been given.
I said I would be ready when
he got back. You see, he was
going for the Holy Grail. The
boys all took a flier at the
Holy Grail now and then. It was
a several years' cruise. They
always put in the long absence
snooping around, in the most
conscientious way, though none
of them had any idea where the
Holy Grail really was, and I
don't think any of them actually
expected to find it, or would
have known what to do with it
if he HAD run across it. You
see, it was just the Northwest
Passage of that day, as you may
say; that was all. Every year
expeditions went out holy grailing,
and next year relief expeditions
went out to hunt for THEM. There
was worlds of reputation in it,
but no money. Why, they actually
wanted ME to put in! Well, I
should smile. |