MY influence
in the Valley of Holiness was
something prodigious now. It
seemed worth while to try to
turn it to some valuable account.
The
thought came to me the next morning, and was suggested by my seeing one of my
knights who was in the soap
line come riding in. According
to history,
the monks of this place two centuries before had been
worldly minded enough to want to wash. It might be
that there was a leaven of this unrighteousness still remaining. So I sounded
a Brother:
"Wouldn't you
like a bath?"
He shuddered at the thought
-- the thought of the peril of
it to the well -- but he said
with feeling:
"One needs
not to ask that of a poor body
who has not known
that blessed refreshment sith
that he was a boy. Would God
I might wash me! but it may not
be, fair sir, tempt me not; it
is forbidden."
And then he sighed in such
a sorrowful way that I was resolved
he should have at least one layer
of his real estate removed, if
it sized up my whole influence
and bankrupted the pile. So I
went to the abbot and asked for
a permit for this Brother. He
blenched at the idea -- I don't
mean that you could see him blench,
for of course you couldn't see
it without you scraped him, and
I didn't care enough about it
to scrape him, but I knew the
blench was there, just the same,
and within a book-cover's thickness
of the surface, too -- blenched,
and trembled. He said:
"Ah, son, ask
aught else thou wilt, and it
is thine, and freely
granted out of a grateful heart
-- but this, oh, this! Would
you drive away the blessed water
again?"
"No, Father, I will not drive
it away. I have mysterious knowledge
which teaches me that there was
an error that other time when
it was thought the institution
of the bath banished the fountain." A
large interest began to show
up in the old man's face. "My
knowledge informs me that the
bath was innocent of that misfortune,
which was caused by quite another
sort of sin."
"These are
brave words -- but -- but right
welcome, if they
be true."
"They are true,
indeed. Let me build the bath
again, Father.
Let me build it again, and the
fountain shall flow forever."
"You promise
this? -- you promise it? Say
the word -- say you promise
it!"
"I do promise
it."
"Then will
I have the first bath myself!
Go -- get ye to
your work. Tarry not, tarry not,
but go."
I and my boys were at work,
straight off. The ruins of the
old bath were there yet in the
basement of the monastery, not
a stone missing. They had been
left just so, all these lifetimes,
and avoided with a pious fear,
as things accursed. In two days
we had it all done and the water
in -- a spacious pool of clear
pure water that a body could
swim in. It was running water,
too. It came in, and went out,
through the ancient pipes. The
old abbot kept his word, and
was the first to try it. He went
down black and shaky, leaving
the whole black community above
troubled and worried and full
of bodings; but he came back
white and joyful, and the game
was made! another triumph scored.
It was a good campaign that
we made in that Valley of Holiness,
and I was very well satisfied,
and ready to move on now, but
I struck a disappointment. I
caught a heavy cold, and it started
up an old lurking rheumatism
of mine. Of course the rheumatism
hunted up my weakest place and
located itself there. This was
the place where the abbot put
his arms about me and mashed
me, what time he was moved to
testify his gratitude to me with
an embrace.
When at last I got out, I was
a shadow. But everybody was full
of attentions and kindnesses,
and these brought cheer back
into my life, and were the right
medicine to help a convalescent
swiftly up toward health and
strength again; so I gained fast.
Sandy was worn out with nursing;
so I made up my mind to turn
out and go a cruise alone, leaving
her at the nunnery to rest up.
My idea was to disguise myself
as a freeman of peasant degree
and wander through the country
a week or two on foot. This would
give me a chance to eat and lodge
with the lowliest and poorest
class of free citizens on equal
terms. There was no other way
to inform myself perfectly of
their everyday life and the operation
of the laws upon it. If I went
among them as a gentleman, there
would be restraints and conventionalities
which would shut me out from
their private joys and troubles,
and I should get no further than
the outside shell.
One morning I was out on a
long walk to get up muscle for
my trip, and had climbed the
ridge which bordered the northern
extremity of the valley, when
I came upon an artificial opening
in the face of a low precipice,
and recognized it by its location
as a hermitage which had often
been pointed out to me from a
distance as the den of a hermit
of high renown for dirt and austerity.
I knew he had lately been offered
a situation in the Great Sahara,
where lions and sandflies made
the hermit-life peculiarly attractive
and difficult, and had gone to
Africa to take possession, so
I thought I would look in and
see how the atmosphere of this
den agreed with its reputation.
My surprise was great: the
place was newly swept and scoured.
Then there was another surprise.
Back in the gloom of the cavern
I heard the clink of a little
bell, and then this exclamation:
"Hello Central!
Is this you, Camelot? -- Behold,
thou mayst
glad thy heart an thou hast faith
to believe the wonderful when
that it cometh in unexpected
guise and maketh itself manifest
in impossible places -- here
standeth in the flesh his mightiness
The Boss, and with thine own
ears shall ye hear him speak!"
Now what a radical reversal
of things this was; what a jumbling
together of extravagant incongruities;
what a fantastic conjunction
of opposites and irreconcilables
-- the home of the bogus miracle
become the home of a real one,
the den of a mediaeval hermit
turned into a telephone office!
The telephone clerk stepped
into the light, and I recognized
one of my young fellows. I said:
"How long has
this office been established
here, Ulfius?"
"But since
midnight, fair Sir Boss, an
it please you. We saw
many lights in the valley, and
so judged it well to make a station,
for that where so many lights
be needs must they indicate a
town of goodly size."
"Quite right.
It isn't a town in the customary
sense, but it's
a good stand, anyway. Do you
know where you are?"
"Of that I
have had no time to make inquiry;
for whenas my
comradeship moved hence upon
their labors, leaving me in charge,
I got me to needed rest, purposing
to inquire when I waked, and
report the place's name to Camelot
for record."
"Well, this
is the Valley of Holiness."
It didn't take; I mean, he
didn't start at the name, as
I had supposed he would. He merely
said:
"I will so
report it."
"Why, the surrounding
regions are filled with the
noise of
late wonders that have happened
here! You didn't hear of them?"
"Ah, ye will
remember we move by night,
and avoid speech with
all. We learn naught but that
we get by the telephone from
Camelot."
"Why THEY know
all about this thing. Haven't
they told you
anything about the great miracle
of the restoration of a holy
fountain?"
"Oh, THAT?
Indeed yes. But the name of
THIS valley doth
woundily differ from the name
of THAT one; indeed to differ
wider were not pos --"
"What was that
name, then?"
"The Valley
of Hellishness."
"THAT explains
it. Confound a telephone, anyway.
It is the
very demon for conveying similarities
of sound that are miracles of
divergence from similarity of
sense. But no matter, you know
the name of the place now. Call
up Camelot."
He did it, and had Clarence
sent for. It was good to hear
my boy's voice again. It was
like being home. After some affectionate
interchanges, and some account
of my late illness, I said:
"What is new?"
"The king and
queen and many of the court
do start even in
this hour, to go to your valley
to pay pious homage to the waters
ye have restored, and cleanse
themselves of sin, and see the
place where the infernal spirit
spouted true hell-flames to the
clouds -- an ye listen sharply
ye may hear me wink and hear
me likewise smile a smile, sith
'twas I that made selection of
those flames from out our stock
and sent them by your order."
"Does the king
know the way to this place?"
"The king?
-- no, nor to any other in
his realms, mayhap;
but the lads that holp you with
your miracle will be his guide
and lead the way, and appoint
the places for rests at noons
and sleeps at night."
"This will
bring them here -- when?"
"Mid-afternoon,
or later, the third day."
"Anything else
in the way of news?"
"The king hath
begun the raising of the standing
army ye suggested
to him; one regiment is complete
and officered."
"The mischief!
I wanted a main hand in that
myself. There is
only one body of men in the kingdom
that are fitted to officer a
regular army."
"Yes -- and
now ye will marvel to know
there's not so much as
one West Pointer in that regiment."
"What are you
talking about? Are you in earnest?"
"It is truly
as I have said."
"Why, this
makes me uneasy. Who were chosen,
and what was
the method? Competitive examination?"
"Indeed, I
know naught of the method.
I but know this -- these
officers be all of noble family,
and are born -- what is it you
call it? -- chuckleheads."
"There's something
wrong, Clarence. "
"Comfort yourself,
then; for two candidates for
a lieutenancy
do travel hence with the king
-- young nobles both -- and if
you but wait where you are you
will hear them questioned."
"That is news
to the purpose. I will get
one West Pointer in,
anyway. Mount a man and send
him to that school with a message;
let him kill horses, if necessary,
but he must be there before sunset
to-night and say -- "
"There is no
need. I have laid a ground
wire to the school.
Prithee let me connect you with
it."
It sounded good! In this atmosphere
of telephones and lightning communication
with distant regions, I was breathing
the breath of life again after
long suffocation. I realized,
then, what a creepy, dull, inanimate
horror this land had been to
me all these years, and how I
had been in such a stifled condition
of mind as to have grown used
to it almost beyond the power
to notice it.
I gave my order to the superintendent
of the Academy personally. I
also asked him to bring me some
paper and a fountain pen and
a box or so of safety matches.
I was getting tired of doing
without these conveniences. I
could have them now, as I wasn't
going to wear armor any more
at present, and therefore could
get at my pockets.
When I got back to the monastery,
I found a thing of interest going
on. The abbot and his monks were
assembled in the great hall,
observing with childish wonder
and faith the performances of
a new magician, a fresh arrival.
His dress was the extreme of
the fantastic; as showy and foolish
as the sort of thing an Indian
medicine-man wears. He was mowing,
and mumbling, and gesticulating,
and drawing mystical figures
in the air and on the floor,
-- the regular thing, you know.
He was a celebrity from Asia
-- so he said, and that was enough.
That sort of evidence was as
good as gold, and passed current
everywhere.
How easy and cheap it was to
be a great magician on this fellow's
terms. His specialty was to tell
you what any individual on the
face of the globe was doing at
the moment; and what he had done
at any time in the past, and
what he would do at any time
in the future. He asked if any
would like to know what the Emperor
of the East was doing now? The
sparkling eyes and the delighted
rubbing of hands made eloquent
answer -- this reverend crowd
WOULD like to know what that
monarch was at, just as this
moment. The fraud went through
some more mummery, and then made
grave announcement:
"The high and
mighty Emperor of the East
doth at this moment
put money in the palm of a holy
begging friar -- one, two, three
pieces, and they be all of silver."
A buzz of admiring exclamations
broke out, all around:
"It is marvelous!" "Wonderful!" "What
study, what labor, to have acquired
a so amazing power as this!"
Would they like to know what
the Supreme Lord of Inde was
doing? Yes. He told them what
the Supreme Lord of Inde was
doing. Then he told them what
the Sultan of Egypt was at; also
what the King of the Remote Seas
was about. And so on and so on;
and with each new marvel the
astonishment at his accuracy
rose higher and higher. They
thought he must surely strike
an uncertain place some time;
but no, he never had to hesitate,
he always knew, and always with
unerring precision. I saw that
if this thing went on I should
lose my supremacy, this fellow
would capture my following, I
should be left out in the cold.
I must put a cog in his wheel,
and do it right away, too. I
said:
"If I might
ask, I should very greatly
like to know what a certain
person is doing."
"Speak, and
freely. I will tell you."
"It will be
difficult -- perhaps impossible."
"My art knoweth
not that word. The more difficult
it is, the
more certainly will I reveal
it to you."
You see, I was working up the
interest. It was getting pretty
high, too; you could see that
by the craning necks all around,
and the half-suspended breathing.
So now I climaxed it:
"If you make
no mistake -- if you tell me
truly what I want
to know -- I will give you two
hundred silver pennies."
"The fortune
is mine! I will tell you what
you would know."
"Then tell
me what I am doing with my
right hand."
"Ah-h!" There was a general
gasp of surprise. It had not
occurred to anybody in the crowd
-- that simple trick of inquiring
about somebody who wasn't ten
thousand miles away. The magician
was hit hard; it was an emergency
that had never happened in his
experience before, and it corked
him; he didn't know how to meet
it. He looked stunned, confused;
he couldn't say a word. "Come," I
said, "what are you waiting for?
Is it possible you can answer
up, right off, and tell what
anybody on the other side of
the earth is doing, and yet can't
tell what a person is doing who
isn't three yards from you? Persons
behind me know what I am doing
with my right hand -- they will
indorse you if you tell correctly." He
was still dumb. "Very well, I'll
tell you why you don't speak
up and tell; it is because you
don't know. YOU a magician! Good
friends, this tramp is a mere
fraud and liar."
This distressed the monks and
terrified them. They were not
used to hearing these awful beings
called names, and they did not
know what might be the consequence.
There was a dead silence now;
superstitious bodings were in
every mind. The magician began
to pull his wits together, and
when he presently smiled an easy,
nonchalant smile, it spread a
mighty relief around; for it
indicated that his mood was not
destructive. He said:
"It hath struck
me speechless, the frivolity
of this person's
speech. Let all know, if perchance
there be any who know it not,
that enchanters of my degree
deign not to concern themselves
with the doings of any but kings,
princes, emperors, them that
be born in the purple and them
only. Had ye asked me what Arthur
the great king is doing, it were
another matter, and I had told
ye; but the doings of a subject
interest me not."
"Oh, I misunderstood
you. I thought you said 'anybody,'
and
so I supposed 'anybody' included
-- well, anybody; that is, everybody."
"It doth --
anybody that is of lofty birth;
and the better
if he be royal."
"That, it meseemeth, might
well be," said the abbot, who
saw his opportunity to smooth
things and avert disaster, "for
it were not likely that so wonderful
a gift as this would be conferred
for the revelation of the concerns
of lesser beings than such as
be born near to the summits of
greatness. Our Arthur the king
--"
"Would you know of him?" broke
in the enchanter.
"Most gladly,
yea, and gratefully."
Everybody was
full of awe and interest again
right away, the
incorrigible idiots. They watched
the incantations absorbingly,
and looked at me with a "There,
now, what can you say to that?" air,
when the announcement came:
"The king is
weary with the chase, and lieth
in his palace
these two hours sleeping a dreamless
sleep."
"God's benison upon him!" said
the abbot, and crossed himself; "may
that sleep be to the refreshment
of his body and his soul."
"And so it might be, if he
were sleeping," I said, "but
the king is not sleeping, the
king rides."
Here was trouble again -- a
conflict of authority. Nobody
knew which of us to believe;
I still had some reputation left.
The magician's scorn was stirred,
and he said:
"Lo, I have
seen many wonderful soothsayers
and prophets and
magicians in my life days, but
none before that could sit idle
and see to the heart of things
with never an incantation to
help."
"You have lived
in the woods, and lost much
by it. I use incantations
myself, as this good brotherhood
are aware -- but only on occasions
of moment."
When it comes to sarcasming,
I reckon I know how to keep my
end up. That jab made this fellow
squirm. The abbot inquired after
the queen and the court, and
got this information:
"They be all
on sleep, being overcome by
fatigue, like as
to the king."
I said:
"That is merely
another lie. Half of them are
about their
amusements, the queen and the
other half are not sleeping,
they ride. Now perhaps you can
spread yourself a little, and
tell us where the king and queen
and all that are this moment
riding with them are going?"
"They sleep
now, as I said; but on the
morrow they will ride,
for they go a journey toward
the sea."
"And where
will they be the day after
to-morrow at vespers?"
"Far to the
north of Camelot, and half
their journey will be
done."
"That is another
lie, by the space of a hundred
and fifty
miles. Their journey will not
be merely half done, it will
be all done, and they will be
HERE, in this valley."
THAT was a noble shot! It set
the abbot and the monks in a
whirl of excitement, and it rocked
the enchanter to his base. I
followed the thing right up:
"If the king
does not arrive, I will have
myself ridden on
a rail: if he does I will ride
you on a rail instead."
Next day I went up to the telephone
office and found that the king
had passed through two towns
that were on the line. I spotted
his progress on the succeeding
day in the same way. I kept these
matters to myself. The third
day's reports showed that if
he kept up his gait he would
arrive by four in the afternoon.
There was still no sign anywhere
of interest in his coming; there
seemed to be no preparations
making to receive him in state;
a strange thing, truly. Only
one thing could explain this:
that other magician had been
cutting under me, sure. This
was true. I asked a friend of
mine, a monk, about it, and he
said, yes, the magician had tried
some further enchantments and
found out that the court had
concluded to make no journey
at all, but stay at home. Think
of that! Observe how much a reputation
was worth in such a country.
These people had seen me do the
very showiest bit of magic in
history, and the only one within
their memory that had a positive
value, and yet here they were,
ready to take up with an adventurer
who could offer no evidence of
his powers but his mere unproven
word.
However, it was not good politics
to let the king come without
any fuss and feathers at all,
so I went down and drummed up
a procession of pilgrims and
smoked out a batch of hermits
and started them out at two o'clock
to meet him. And that was the
sort of state he arrived in.
The abbot was helpless with rage
and humiliation when I brought
him out on a balcony and showed
him the head of the state marching
in and never a monk on hand to
offer him welcome, and no stir
of life or clang of joy-bell
to glad his spirit. He took one
look and then flew to rouse out
his forces. The next minute the
bells were dinning furiously,
and the various buildings were
vomiting monks and nuns, who
went swarming in a rush toward
the coming procession; and with
them went that magician -- and
he was on a rail, too, by the
abbot's order; and his reputation
was in the mud, and mine was
in the sky again. Yes, a man
can keep his trademark current
in such a country, but he can't
sit around and do it; he has
got to be on deck and attending
to business right along.
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