THEY was fetching a very nice-looking
old gentleman along, and a nice-looking
younger one, with his right arm
in a sling. And, my souls, how
the people yelled and laughed,
and kept it up. But I didn't
see no joke about it, and I judged
it would strain the duke and
the king some to see any. I reckoned
they'd turn pale. But no, nary
a pale did THEY turn. The duke
he never let on he suspicioned
what was up, but just went a
goo-gooing around, happy and
satisfied, like a jug that's
googling out buttermilk; and
as for the king, he just gazed
and gazed down sorrowful on them
new-comers like it give him the
stomach-ache in his very heart
to think there could be such
frauds and rascals in the world.
Oh, he done it admirable. Lots
of the principal people gethered
around the king, to let him see
they was on his side. That old
gentleman that had just come
looked all puzzled to death.
Pretty soon he begun to speak,
and I see straight off he pronounced
LIKE an Englishman -- not the
king's way, though the king's
WAS pretty good for an imitation.
I can't give the old gent's words,
nor I can't imitate him; but
he turned around to the crowd,
and says, about like this:
"This is a
surprise to me which I wasn't
looking for; and I'll
acknowledge, candid and frank,
I ain't very well fixed to meet
it and answer it; for my brother
and me has had misfortunes; he's
broke his arm, and our baggage
got put off at a town above here
last night in the night by a
mistake. I am Peter Wilks' brother
Harvey, and this is his brother
William, which can't hear nor
speak -- and can't even make
signs to amount to much, now't
he's only got one hand to work
them with. We are who we say
we are; and in a day or two,
when I get the baggage, I can
prove it. But up till then I
won't say nothing more, but go
to the hotel and wait."
So him and the new dummy started
off; and the king he laughs,
and blethers out:
"Broke his
arm -- VERY likely, AIN'T it?
-- and very convenient,
too, for a fraud that's got to
make signs, and ain't learnt
how. Lost their baggage! That's
MIGHTY good! -- and mighty ingenious
-- under the CIRCUMSTANCES!
So he laughed again; and so
did everybody else, except three
or four, or maybe half a dozen.
One of these was that doctor;
another one was a sharplooking
gentleman, with a carpet-bag
of the oldfashioned kind made
out of carpet-stuff, that had
just come off of the steamboat
and was talking to him in a low
voice, and glancing towards the
king now and then and nodding
their heads -- it was Levi Bell,
the lawyer that was gone up to
Louisville; and another one was
a big rough husky that come along
and listened to all the old gentleman
said, and was listening to the
king now. And when the king got
done this husky up and says:
"Say, looky
here; if you are Harvey Wilks,
when'd you come
to this town?"
"The day before the funeral,
friend," says the king.
"But what time
o' day?"
"In the evenin'
-- 'bout an hour er two before
sundown."
"HOW'D you
come?"
"I come down
on the Susan Powell from Cincinnati."
"Well, then,
how'd you come to be up at
the Pint in the MORNIN'
-- in a canoe?"
"I warn't up
at the Pint in the mornin'."
"It's a lie."
Several of them jumped for
him and begged him not to talk
that way to an old man and a
preacher.
"Preacher be
hanged, he's a fraud and a
liar. He was up at
the Pint that mornin'. I live
up there, don't I? Well, I was
up there, and he was up there.
I see him there. He come in a
canoe, along with Tim Collins
and a boy."
The doctor he up and says:
"Would you
know the boy again if you was
to see him, Hines?"
"I reckon I
would, but I don't know. Why,
yonder he is, now.
I know him perfectly easy."
It was me he pointed at. The
doctor says:
"Neighbors,
I don't know whether the new
couple is frauds or not;
but if THESE two ain't frauds,
I am an idiot, that's all. I
think it's our duty to see that
they don't get away from here
till we've looked into this thing.
Come along, Hines; come along,
the rest of you. We'll take these
fellows to the tavern and affront
them with t'other couple, and
I reckon we'll find out SOMETHING
before we get through."
It was nuts for the crowd,
though maybe not for the king's
friends; so we all started. It
was about sundown. The doctor
he led me along by the hand,
and was plenty kind enough, but
he never let go my hand.
We all got in a big room in
the hotel, and lit up some candles,
and fetched in the new couple.
First, the doctor says:
"I don't wish
to be too hard on these two
men, but I think
they're frauds, and they may
have complices that we don't
know nothing about. If they have,
won't the complices get away
with that bag of gold Peter Wilks
left? It ain't unlikely. If these
men ain't frauds, they won't
object to sending for that money
and letting us keep it till they
prove they're all right -- ain't
that so?"
Everybody agreed to that. So
I judged they had our gang in
a pretty tight place right at
the outstart. But the king he
only looked sorrowful, and says:
"Gentlemen,
I wish the money was there,
for I ain't got no
disposition to throw anything
in the way of a fair, open, out-and-out
investigation o' this misable
business; but, alas, the money
ain't there; you k'n send and
see, if you want to."
"Where is it,
then?"
"Well, when
my niece give it to me to keep
for her I took
and hid it inside o' the straw
tick o' my bed, not wishin' to
bank it for the few days we'd
be here, and considerin' the
bed a safe place, we not bein'
used to niggers, and suppos'n'
'em honest, like servants in
England. The niggers stole it
the very next mornin' after I
had went down stairs; and when
I sold 'em I hadn't missed the
money yit, so they got clean
away with it. My servant here
k'n tell you 'bout it, gentlemen."
The doctor
and several said "Shucks!" and
I see nobody didn't altogether
believe him. One man asked me
if I see the niggers steal it.
I said no, but I see them sneaking
out of the room and hustling
away, and I never thought nothing,
only I reckoned they was afraid
they had waked up my master and
was trying to get away before
he made trouble with them. That
was all they asked me. Then the
doctor whirls on me and says:
"Are YOU English,
too?"
I says yes;
and him and some others laughed,
and said, "Stuff!"
Well, then they sailed in on
the general investigation, and
there we had it, up and down,
hour in, hour out, and nobody
never said a word about supper,
nor ever seemed to think about
it -- and so they kept it up,
and kept it up; and it WAS the
worst mixed-up thing you ever
see. They made the king tell
his yarn, and they made the old
gentleman tell his'n; and anybody
but a lot of prejudiced chuckleheads
would a SEEN that the old gentleman
was spinning truth and t'other
one lies. And by and by they
had me up to tell what I knowed.
The king he give me a left-handed
look out of the corner of his
eye, and so I knowed enough to
talk on the right side. I begun
to tell about Sheffield, and
how we lived there, and all about
the English Wilkses, and so on;
but I didn't get pretty fur till
the doctor begun to laugh; and
Levi Bell, the lawyer, says:
"Set down,
my boy; I wouldn't strain myself
if I was you. I
reckon you ain't used to lying,
it don't seem to come handy;
what you want is practice. You
do it pretty awkward."
I didn't care nothing for the
compliment, but I was glad to
be let off, anyway.
The doctor he started to say
something, and turns and says:
"If you'd been in town at first,
Levi Bell -- " The king broke
in and reached out his hand,
and says:
"Why, is this
my poor dead brother's old
friend that he's
wrote so often about?"
The lawyer and him shook hands,
and the lawyer smiled and looked
pleased, and they talked right
along awhile, and then got to
one side and talked low; and
at last the lawyer speaks up
and says:
"That 'll fix
it. I'll take the order and
send it, along
with your brother's, and then
they'll know it's all right."
So they got some paper and
a pen, and the king he set down
and twisted his head to one side,
and chawed his tongue, and scrawled
off something; and then they
give the pen to the duke -- and
then for the first time the duke
looked sick. But he took the
pen and wrote. So then the lawyer
turns to the new old gentleman
and says:
"You and your
brother please write a line
or two and sign
your names."
The old gentleman wrote, but
nobody couldn't read it. The
lawyer looked powerful astonished,
and says:
"Well, it beats ME -- and snaked
a lot of old letters out of his
pocket, and examined them, and
then examined the old man's writing,
and then THEM again; and then
says: "These old letters is from
Harvey Wilks; and here's THESE
two handwritings, and anybody
can see they didn't write them" (the
king and the duke looked sold
and foolish, I tell you, to see
how the lawyer had took them
in), "and here's THIS old gentleman's
hand writing, and anybody can
tell, easy enough, HE didn't
write them -- fact is, the scratches
he makes ain't properly WRITING
at all. Now, here's some letters
from --"
The new old gentleman says:
"If you please,
let me explain. Nobody can
read my hand but my
brother there -- so he copies
for me. It's HIS hand you've
got there, not mine."
"WELL!" says the lawyer, "this
IS a state of things. I've got
some of William's letters, too;
so if you'll get him to write
a line or so we can com --"
"He CAN'T write with his left
hand," says the old gentleman. "If
he could use his right hand,
you would see that he wrote his
own letters and mine too. Look
at both, please -- they're by
the same hand."
The lawyer done it, and says:
"I believe it's so -- and if
it ain't so, there's a heap stronger
resemblance than I'd noticed
before, anyway. Well, well, well!
I thought we was right on the
track of a slution, but it's
gone to grass, partly. But anyway,
one thing is proved -- THESE
two ain't either of 'em Wilkses" --
and he wagged his head towards
the king and the duke.
Well, what do you think? That
muleheaded old fool wouldn't
give in THEN! Indeed he wouldn't.
Said it warn't no fair test.
Said his brother William was
the cussedest joker in the world,
and hadn't tried to write --
HE see William was going to play
one of his jokes the minute he
put the pen to paper. And so
he warmed up and went warbling
right along till he was actuly
beginning to believe what he
was saying HIM- SELF; but pretty
soon the new gentleman broke
in, and says:
"I've thought
of something. Is there anybody
here that helped
to lay out my br -- helped to
lay out the late Peter Wilks
for burying?"
"Yes," says somebody, "me
and Ab Turner done it. We're
both
here."
Then the old man turns towards
the king, and says:
"Peraps this
gentleman can tell me what
was tattooed on
his breast?"
Blamed if the king didn't have
to brace up mighty quick, or
he'd a squshed down like a bluff
bank that the river has cut under,
it took him so sudden; and, mind
you, it was a thing that was
calculated to make most ANYBODY
sqush to get fetched such a solid
one as that without any notice,
because how was HE going to know
what was tattooed on the man?
He whitened a little; he couldn't
help it; and it was mighty still
in there, and everybody bending
a little forwards and gazing
at him. Says I to myself, NOW
he'll throw up the sponge --
there ain't no more use. Well,
did he? A body can't hardly believe
it, but he didn't. I reckon he
thought he'd keep the thing up
till he tired them people out,
so they'd thin out, and him and
the duke could break loose and
get away. Anyway, he set there,
and pretty soon he begun to smile,
and says:
"Mf! It's a
VERY tough question, AIN'T
it! YES, sir, I k'n tell
you what's tattooed on his breast.
It's jest a small, thin, blue
arrow -- that's what it is; and
if you don't look clost, you
can't see it. NOW what do you
say -- hey?"
Well, I never see anything
like that old blister for clean
out-and-out cheek.
The new old gentleman turns
brisk towards Ab Turner and his
pard, and his eye lights up like
he judged he'd got the king THIS
time, and says:
"There -- you've
heard what he said! Was there
any such mark
on Peter Wilks' breast?"
Both of them spoke up and says:
"We didn't
see no such mark."
"Good!" says the old gentleman. "Now,
what you DID see on his breast
was a small dim P, and a B (which
is an initial he dropped when
he was young), and a W, with
dashes between them, so: P --
B -- W" -- and he marked them
that way on a piece of paper. "Come,
ain't that what you saw?"
Both of them spoke up again,
and says:
"No, we DIDN'T.
We never seen any marks at
all."
Well, everybody WAS in a state
of mind now, and they sings out:
"The whole BILIN' of 'm 's
frauds! Le's duck 'em! le's drown
'em! le's ride 'em on a rail!" and
everybody was whooping at once,
and there was a rattling powwow.
But the lawyer he jumps on the
table and yells, and says:
"Gentlemen
-- gentleMEN! Hear me just
a word -- just a SINGLE
word -- if you PLEASE! There's
one way yet -- let's go and dig
up the corpse and look."
That took them.
"Hooray!" they
all shouted, and was starting
right off; but
the lawyer and the doctor sung
out:
"Hold on, hold
on! Collar all these four men
and the boy, and
fetch THEM along, too!"
"We'll do it!" they all shouted; "and
if we don't find them marks we'll
lynch the whole gang!"
I WAS scared, now, I tell you.
But there warn't no getting away,
you know. They gripped us all,
and marched us right along, straight
for the graveyard, which was
a mile and a half down the river,
and the whole town at our heels,
for we made noise enough, and
it was only nine in the evening.
As we went by our house I wished
I hadn't sent Mary Jane out of
town; because now if I could
tip her the wink she'd light
out and save me, and blow on
our dead-beats.
Well, we swarmed along down
the river road, just carrying
on like wildcats; and to make
it more scary the sky was darking
up, and the lightning beginning
to wink and flitter, and the
wind to shiver amongst the leaves.
This was the most awful trouble
and most dangersome I ever was
in; and I was kinder stunned;
everything was going so different
from what I had allowed for;
stead of being fixed so I could
take my own time if I wanted
to, and see all the fun, and
have Mary Jane at my back to
save me and set me free when
the close-fit come, here was
nothing in the world betwixt
me and sudden death but just
them tattoo-marks. If they didn't
find them --
I couldn't bear to think about
it; and yet, somehow, I couldn't
think about nothing else. It
got darker and darker, and it
was a beautiful time to give
the crowd the slip; but that
big husky had me by the wrist
-- Hines -- and a body might
as well try to give Goliar the
slip. He dragged me right along,
he was so excited, and I had
to run to keep up.
When they got there they swarmed
into the graveyard and washed
over it like an overflow. And
when they got to the grave they
found they had about a hundred
times as many shovels as they
wanted, but nobody hadn't thought
to fetch a lantern. But they
sailed into digging anyway by
the flicker of the lightning,
and sent a man to the nearest
house, a half a mile off, to
borrow one.
So they dug and dug like everything;
and it got awful dark, and the
rain started, and the wind swished
and swushed along, and the lightning
come brisker and brisker, and
the thunder boomed; but them
people never took no notice of
it, they was so full of this
business; and one minute you
could see everything and every
face in that big crowd, and the
shovelfuls of dirt sailing up
out of the grave, and the next
second the dark wiped it all
out, and you couldn't see nothing
at all.
At last they got out the coffin
and begun to unscrew the lid,
and then such another crowding
and shouldering and shoving as
there was, to scrouge in and
get a sight, you never see; and
in the dark, that way, it was
awful. Hines he hurt my wrist
dreadful pulling and tugging
so, and I reckon he clean forgot
I was in the world, he was so
excited and panting.
All of a sudden the lightning
let go a perfect sluice of white
glare, and somebody sings out:
"By the living
jingo, here's the bag of gold
on his breast!"
Hines let out a whoop, like
everybody else, and dropped my
wrist and give a big surge to
bust his way in and get a look,
and the way I lit out and shinned
for the road in the dark there
ain't nobody can tell.
I had the road all to myself,
and I fairly flew -- leastways,
I had it all to myself except
the solid dark, and the now-and-then
glares, and the buzzing of the
rain, and the thrashing of the
wind, and the splitting of the
thunder; and sure as you are
born I did clip it along!
When I struck the town I see
there warn't nobody out in the
storm, so I never hunted for
no back streets, but humped it
straight through the main one;
and when I begun to get towards
our house I aimed my eye and
set it. No light there; the house
all dark -- which made me feel
sorry and disappointed, I didn't
know why. But at last, just as
I was sailing by, FLASH comes
the light in Mary Jane's window!
and my heart swelled up sudden,
like to bust; and the same second
the house and all was behind
me in the dark, and wasn't ever
going to be before me no more
in this world. She WAS the best
girl I ever see, and had the
most sand.
The minute I was far enough
above the town to see I could
make the towhead, I begun to
look sharp for a boat to borrow,
and the first time the lightning
showed me one that wasn't chained
I snatched it and shoved. It
was a canoe, and warn't fastened
with nothing but a rope. The
towhead was a rattling big distance
off, away out there in the middle
of the river, but I didn't lose
no time; and when I struck the
raft at last I was so fagged
I would a just laid down to blow
and gasp if I could afforded
it. But I didn't. As I sprung
aboard I sung out:
"Out with you,
Jim, and set her loose! Glory
be to goodness,
we're shut of them!"
Jim lit out, and was a-coming
for me with both arms spread,
he was so full of joy; but when
I glimpsed him in the lightning
my heart shot up in my mouth
and I went overboard backwards;
for I forgot he was old King
Lear and a drownded A-rab all
in one, and it most scared the
livers and lights out of me.
But Jim fished me out, and was
going to hug me and bless me,
and so on, he was so glad I was
back and we was shut of the king
and the duke, but I says:
"Not now; have
it for breakfast, have it for
breakfast! Cut loose
and let her slide!"
So in two seconds away we went
a-sliding down the river, and
it DID seem so good to be free
again and all by ourselves on
the big river, and nobody to
bother us. I had to skip around
a bit, and jump up and crack
my heels a few times -- I couldn't
help it; but about the third
crack I noticed a sound that
I knowed mighty well, and held
my breath and listened and waited;
and sure enough, when the next
flash busted out over the water,
here they come! -- and just alaying
to their oars and making their
skiff hum! It was the king and
the duke.
So I wilted right down on to
the planks then, and give up;
and it was all I could do to
keep from crying.
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