But Mary spoilt it all, when
I sent David back to her in the
morning, by inquiring too curiously
into his person and discovering
that I had put his combinations
on him with the buttons to the
front. For this I wrote her the
following insulting letter. When
Mary does anything that specially
annoys me I send her an insulting
letter. I once had a photograph
taken of David being hanged on
a tree. I sent her that. You
can't think of all the subtle
ways of grieving her I have.
No woman with the spirit of a
crow would stand it.
"Dear Madam
[I wrote], It has come to my
knowledge that when
you walk in the Gardens with
the boy David you listen avidly
for encomiums of him and of your
fanciful dressing of him by passers-
by, storing them in your heart
the while you make vain pretence
to regard them not: wherefore
lest you be swollen by these
very small things I, who now
know David both by day and by
night, am minded to compare him
and Porthos the one with the
other, both in this matter and
in other matters of graver account.
And touching this matter of outward
show, they are both very lordly,
and neither of them likes it
to be referred to, but they endure
in different ways. For David
says 'Oh, bother!' and even at
times hits out, but Porthos droops
his tail and lets them have their
say. Yet is he extolled as beautiful
and a darling ten times for the
once that David is extolled.
"The manners
of Porthos are therefore prettier
than the manners
of David, who when he has sent
me to hide from him behind a
tree sometimes comes not in search,
and on emerging tamely from my
concealment I find him playing
other games entirely forgetful
of my existence. Whereas Porthos
always comes in search. Also
if David wearies of you he scruples
not to say so, but Porthos, in
like circumstances, offers you
his paw, meaning 'Farewell,'
and to bearded men he does this
all the time (I think because
of a hereditary distaste for
goats), so that they conceive
him to be enamoured of them when
he is only begging them courteously
to go. Thus while the manners
of Porthos are more polite it
may be argued that those of David
are more efficacious.
"In gentleness
David compares ill with Porthos.
For whereas
the one shoves and has been known
to kick on slight provocation,
the other, who is noisily hated
of all small dogs by reason of
his size, remonstrates not, even
when they cling in froth and
fury to his chest, but carries
them along tolerantly until they
drop off from fatigue. Again,
David will not unbend when in
the company of babies, expecting
them unreasonably to rise to
his level, but contrariwise Porthos,
though terrible to tramps, suffers
all things of babies, even to
an exploration of his mouth in
an attempt to discover what his
tongue is like at the other end.
The comings and goings of David
are unnoticed by perambulators,
which lie in wait for the advent
of Porthos. The strong and wicked
fear Porthos but no little creature
fears him, not the hedgehogs
he conveys from place to place
in his mouth, nor the sparrows
that steal his straw from under
him.
"In proof of
which gentleness I adduce his
adventure with the
rabbit. Having gone for a time
to reside in a rabbit country
Porthos was elated to discover
at last something small that
ran from him, and developing
at once into an ecstatic sportsman
he did pound hotly in pursuit,
though always over-shooting the
mark by a hundred yards or so
and wondering very much what
had become of the rabbit. There
was a steep path, from the top
of which the rabbit suddenly
came into view, and the practice
of Porthos was to advance up
it on tiptoe, turning near the
summit to give me a knowing look
and then bounding forward. The
rabbit here did something tricky
with a hole in the ground, but
Porthos tore onwards in full
faith that the game was being
played fairly, and always returned
panting and puzzling but glorious.
"I sometimes
shuddered to think of his perplexity
should he catch
the rabbit, which however was
extremely unlikely; nevertheless
he did catch it, I know not how,
but presume it to have been another
than the one of which he was
in chase. I found him with it,
his brows furrowed in the deepest
thought. The rabbit, terrified
but uninjured, cowered beneath
him. Porthos gave me a happy
look and again dropped into a
weighty frame of mind. 'What
is the next thing one does?'
was obviously the puzzle with
him, and the position was scarcely
less awkward for the rabbit,
which several times made a move
to end this intolerable suspense.
Whereupon Porthos immediately
gave it a warning tap with his
foot, and again fell to pondering.
The strain on me was very great.
"At last they
seemed to hit upon a compromise.
Porthos looked
over his shoulder very self-consciously,
and the rabbit at first slowly
and then in a flash withdrew.
Porthos pretended to make a search
for it, but you cannot think
how relieved he looked. He even
tried to brazen out his disgrace
before me and waved his tail
appealingly. But he could not
look me in the face, and when
he saw that this was what I insisted
on he collapsed at my feet and
moaned. There were real tears
in his eyes, and I was touched,
and swore to him that he had
done everything a dog could do,
and though he knew I was lying
he became happy again. For so
long as I am pleased with him,
ma'am, nothing else greatly matters
to Porthos. I told this story
to David, having first extracted
a promise from him that he would
not think the less of Porthos,
and now I must demand the same
promise of you. Also, an admission
that in innocence of heart, for
which David has been properly
commended, he can nevertheless
teach Porthos nothing, but on
the contrary may learn much from
him.
"And now to
come to those qualities in
which David excels over Porthos--the
first is that he is no snob but
esteems the girl Irene (pretentiously
called his nurse) more than any
fine lady, and envies every ragged
boy who can hit to leg. Whereas
Porthos would have every class
keep its place, and though fond
of going down into the kitchen,
always barks at the top of the
stairs for a servile invitation
before he graciously descends.
Most of the servants in our street
have had the loan of him to be
photographed with, and I have
but now seen him stalking off
for that purpose with a proud
little housemaid who is looking
up to him as if he were a warrior
for whom she had paid a shilling.
"Again, when
David and Porthos are in their
bath, praise is
due to the one and must be withheld
from the other. For David, as
I have noticed, loves to splash
in his bath and to slip back
into it from the hands that would
transfer him to a towel. But
Porthos stands in his bath drooping
abjectly like a shamed figure
cut out of some limp material.
"Furthermore,
the inventiveness of David
is beyond that of Porthos,
who cannot play by himself, and
knows not even how to take a
solitary walk, while David invents
playfully all day long. Lastly,
when David is discovered of some
offence and expresses sorrow
therefor, he does that thing
no more for a time, but looks
about him for other offences,
whereas Porthos incontinently
repeats his offence, in other
words, he again buries his bone
in the backyard, and marvels
greatly that I know it, although
his nose be crusted with earth.
"Touching these
matters, therefore, let it
be granted that David
excels Porthos; and in divers
similar qualities the one is
no more than a match for the
other, as in the quality of curiosity;
for, if a parcel comes into my
chambers Porthos is miserable
until it is opened, and I have
noticed the same thing of David.
"Also there
is the taking of medicine.
For at production of
the vial all gaiety suddenly
departs from Porthos and he looks
the other way, but if I say I
have forgotten to have the vial
refilled he skips joyfully, yet
thinks he still has a right to
a chocolate, and when I remarked
disparagingly on this to David
he looked so shy that there was
revealed to me a picture of a
certain lady treating him for
youthful maladies.
"A thing to
be considered of in both is
their receiving of
punishments, and I am now reminded
that the girl Irene (whom I take
in this matter to be your mouthpiece)
complains that I am not sufficiently
severe with David, and do leave
the chiding of him for offences
against myself to her in the
hope that he will love her less
and me more thereby. Which we
have hotly argued in the Gardens
to the detriment of our dignity.
And I here say that if I am slow
to be severe to David, the reason
thereof is that I dare not be
severe to Porthos, and I have
ever sought to treat the one
the same with the other.
"Now I refrain
from raising hand or voice
to Porthos because
his great heart is nigh to breaking
if he so much as suspects that
all is not well between him and
me, and having struck him once
some years ago never can I forget
the shudder which passed through
him when he saw it was I who
had struck, and I shall strike
him, ma'am, no more. But when
he is detected in any unseemly
act now, it is my stern practice
to cane my writing table in his
presence, and even this punishment
is almost more than he can bear.
Wherefore if such chastisement
inflicted on David encourages
him but to enter upon fresh trespasses
(as the girl Irene avers), the
reason must be that his heart
is not like unto that of the
noble Porthos.
"And if you
retort that David is naturally
a depraved little
boy, and so demands harsher measure,
I have still my answer, to wit,
what is the manner of severity
meted out to him at home? And
lest you should shuffle in your
reply I shall mention a notable
passage that has come to my ears.
"As thus, that
David having heard a horrid
word in the street,
uttered it with unction in the
home. That the mother threatened
corporal punishment, whereat
the father tremblingly intervened.
That David continuing to rejoice
exceedingly in his word, the
father spoke darkly of a cane,
but the mother rushed between
the combatants. That the problematical
chastisement became to David
an object of romantic interest.
That this darkened the happy
home. That casting from his path
a weeping mother, the goaded
father at last dashed from the
house yelling that he was away
to buy a cane. That he merely
walked the streets white to the
lips because of the terror David
must now be feeling. And that
when he returned, it was David
radiant with hope who opened
the door and then burst into
tears because there was no cane.
Truly, ma'am, you are a fitting
person to tax me with want of
severity. Rather should you be
giving thanks that it is not
you I am comparing with Porthos.
"But to make
an end of this comparison,
I mention that Porthos
is ever wishful to express gratitude
for my kindness to him, so that
looking up from my book I see
his mournful eyes fixed upon
me with a passionate attachment,
and then I know that the well-nigh
unbearable sadness which comes
into the face of dogs is because
they cannot say Thank you to
their masters. Whereas David
takes my kindness as his right.
But for this, while I should
chide him I cannot do so, for
of all the ways David has of
making me to love him the most
poignant is that he expects it
of me as a matter of course.
David is all for fun, but none
may plumb the depths of Porthos.
Nevertheless I am most nearly
doing so when I lie down beside
him on the floor and he puts
an arm about my neck. On my soul,
ma'am, a protecting arm. At such
times it is as if each of us
knew what was the want of the
other.
"Thus weighing
Porthos with David it were
hard to tell which
is the worthier. Wherefore do
you keep your boy while I keep
my dog, and so we shall both
be pleased."
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