FOR a few months I remained
peaceably at home, in the quiet
enjoyment of liberty and rest,
and genuine friendship, from
all of which I had fasted so
long; and in the earnest prosecution
of my studies, to recover what
I had lost during my stay at
Wellwood House, and to lay in
new stores for future use. My
father's health was still very
infirm, but not materially worse
than when I last saw him; and
I was glad I had it in my power
to cheer him by my return, and
to amuse him with singing his
favourite songs.
No one triumphed over my failure,
or said I had better have taken
his or her advice, and quietly
stayed at home. All were glad
to have me back again, and lavished
more kindness than ever upon
me, to make up for the sufferings
I had undergone; but not one
would touch a shilling of what
I had so cheerfully earned and
so carefully saved, in the hope
of sharing it with them. By dint
of pinching here, and scraping
there, our debts were already
nearly paid. Mary had had good
success with her drawings; but
our father had insisted upon
HER likewise keeping all the
produce of her industry to herself.
All we could spare from the supply
of our humble wardrobe and our
little casual expenses, he directed
us to put into the savings'-bank;
saying, we knew not how soon
we might be dependent on that
alone for support: for he felt
he had not long to be with us,
and what would become of our
mother and us when he was gone,
God only knew!
Dear papa! if he had troubled
himself less about the afflictions
that threatened us in case of
his death, I am convinced that
dreaded event would not have
taken place so soon. My mother
would never suffer him to ponder
on the subject if she could help
it.
'Oh, Richard!' exclaimed she,
on one occasion, 'if you would
but dismiss such gloomy subjects
from your mind, you would live
as long as any of us; at least
you would live to see the girls
married, and yourself a happy
grandfather, with a canty old
dame for your companion.'
My mother laughed, and so did
my father: but his laugh soon
perished in a dreary sigh.
'THEY married - poor penniless
things!' said he; 'who will take
them I wonder!'
'Why, nobody shall that isn't
thankful for them. Wasn't I penniless
when you took me? and you PRETENDED,
at least, to be vastly pleased
with your acquisition. But it's
no matter whether they get married
or not: we can devise a thousand
honest ways of making a livelihood.
And I wonder, Richard, you can
think of bothering your head
about our POVERTY in case of
your death; as if THAT would
be anything compared with the
calamity of losing you - an affliction
that you well know would swallow
up all others, and which you
ought to do your utmost to preserve
us from: and there is nothing
like a cheerful mind for keeping
the body in health.'
'I know, Alice, it is wrong
to keep repining as I do, but
I cannot help it: you must bear
with me.'
'I WON'T bear with you, if
I can alter you,' replied my
mother: but the harshness of
her words was undone by the earnest
affection of her tone and pleasant
smile, that made my father smile
again, less sadly and less transiently
than was his wont.
'Mamma,' said I, as soon as
I could find an opportunity of
speaking with her alone, 'my
money is but little, and cannot
last long; if I could increase
it, it would lessen papa's anxiety,
on one subject at least. I cannot
draw like Mary, and so the best
thing I could do would be to
look out for another situation.'
'And so you would actually
try again, Agnes?'
'Decidedly, I would.'
'Why, my dear, I should have
thought you had had enough of
it.'
'I know,' said I, 'everybody
is not like Mr. and Mrs. Bloomfield
- '
'Some are worse,' interrupted
my mother.
'But not many, I think,' replied
I, 'and I'm sure all children
are not like theirs; for I and
Mary were not: we always did
as you bid us, didn't we?'
'Generally: but then, I did
not spoil you; and you were not
perfect angels after all: Mary
had a fund of quiet obstinacy,
and you were somewhat faulty
in regard to temper; but you
were very good children on the
whole.'
'I know I was sulky sometimes,
and I should have been glad to
see these children sulky sometimes
too; for then I could have understood
them: but they never were, for
they COULD not be offended, nor
hurt, nor ashamed: they could
not be unhappy in any way, except
when they were in a passion.'
'Well, if they COULD not, it
was not their fault: you cannot
expect stone to be as pliable
as clay.'
'No, but still it is very unpleasant
to live with such unimpressible,
incomprehensible creatures. You
cannot love them; and if you
could, your love would be utterly
thrown away: they could neither
return it, nor value, nor understand
it. But, however, even if I should
stumble on such a family again,
which is quite unlikely, I have
all this experience to begin
with, and I should manage better
another time; and the end and
aim of this preamble is, let
me try again.'
'Well, my girl, you are not
easily discouraged, I see: I
am glad of that. But, let me
tell you, you are a good deal
paler and thinner than when you
first left home; and we cannot
have you undermining your health
to hoard up money either for
yourself or others.'
'Mary tells me I am changed
too; and I don't much wonder
at it, for I was in a constant
state of agitation and anxiety
all day long: but next time I
am determined to take things
coolly.'
After some further discussion,
my mother promised once more
to assist me, provided I would
wait and be patient; and I left
her to broach the matter to my
father, when and how she deemed
it most advisable: never doubting
her ability to obtain his consent.
Meantime, I searched, with great
interest, the advertising columns
of the newspapers, and wrote
answers to every 'Wanted a Governess'
that appeared at all eligible;
but all my letters, as well as
the replies, when I got any,
were dutifully shown to my mother;
and she, to my chagrin, made
me reject the situations one
after another: these were low
people, these were too exacting
in their demands, and these too
niggardly in their remuneration.
'Your talents are not such
as every poor clergyman's daughter
possesses, Agnes,' she would
say, 'and you must not throw
them away. Remember, you promised
to be patient: there is no need
of hurry: you have plenty of
time before you, and may have
many chances yet.'
At length,
she advised me to put an advertisement,
myself,
in the paper, stating my qualifications, &c.
'Music, singing, drawing, French,
Latin, and German,' said she,
'are no mean assemblage: many
will be glad to have so much
in one instructor; and this time,
you shall try your fortune in
a somewhat higher family in that
of some genuine, thoroughbred
gentleman; for such are far more
likely to treat you with proper
respect and consideration than
those purse-proud tradespeople
and arrogant upstarts. I have
known several among the higher
ranks who treated their governesses
quite as one of the family; though
some, I allow, are as insolent
and exacting as any one else
can be: for there are bad and
good in all classes.'
The advertisement was quickly
written and despatched. Of the
two parties who answered it,
but one would consent to give
me fifty pounds, the sum my mother
bade me name as the salary I
should require; and here, I hesitated
about engaging myself, as I feared
the children would be too old,
and their parents would require
some one more showy, or more
experienced, if not more accomplished
than I. But my mother dissuaded
me from declining it on that
account: I should do vastly well,
she said, if I would only throw
aside my diffidence, and acquire
a little more confidence in myself.
I was just to give a plain, true
statement of my acquirements
and qualifications, and name
what stipulations I chose to
make, and then await the result.
The only stipulation I ventured
to propose, was that I might
be allowed two months' holidays
during the year to visit my friends,
at Midsummer and Christmas. The
unknown lady, in her reply, made
no objection to this, and stated
that, as to my acquirements,
she had no doubt I should be
able to give satisfaction; but
in the engagement of governesses
she considered those things as
but subordinate points; as being
situated in the neighbourhood
of O-, she could get masters
to supply any deficiencies in
that respect: but, in her opinion,
next to unimpeachable morality,
a mild and cheerful temper and
obliging disposition were the
most essential requisities.
My mother did not relish this
at all, and now made many objections
to my accepting the situation;
in which my sister warmly supported
her: but, unwilling to be balked
again, I overruled them all;
and, having first obtained the
consent of my father (who had,
a short time previously, been
apprised of these transactions),
I wrote a most obliging epistle
to my unknown correspondent,
and, finally, the bargain was
concluded.
It was decreed that on the
last day of January I was to
enter upon my new office as governess
in the family of Mr. Murray,
of Horton Lodge, near O-, about
seventy miles from our village:
a formidable distance to me,
as I had never been above twenty
miles from home in all the course
of my twenty years' sojourn on
earth; and as, moreover, every
individual in that family and
in the neighbourhood was utterly
unknown to myself and all my
acquaintances. But this rendered
it only the more piquant to me.
I had now, in some measure, got
rid of the MAUVAISE HONTE that
had formerly oppressed me so
much; there was a pleasing excitement
in the idea of entering these
unknown regions, and making my
way alone among its strange inhabitants.
I now flattered myself I was
going to see something in the
world: Mr. Murray's residence
was near a large town, and not
in a manufacturing district,
where the people had nothing
to do but to make money; his
rank from what I could gather,
appeared to be higher than that
of Mr. Bloomfield; and, doubtless,
he was one of those genuine thorough-bred
gentry my mother spoke of, who
would treat his governess with
due consideration as a respectable
well- educated lady, the instructor
and guide of his children, and
not a mere upper servant. Then,
my pupils being older, would
be more rational, more teachable,
and less troublesome than the
last; they would be less confined
to the schoolroom, and not require
that constant labour and incessant
watching; and, finally, bright
visions mingled with my hopes,
with which the care of children
and the mere duties of a governess
had little or nothing to do.
Thus, the reader will see that
I had no claim to be regarded
as a martyr to filial piety,
going forth to sacrifice peace
and liberty for the sole purpose
of laying up stores for the comfort
and support of my parents: though
certainly the comfort of my father,
and the future support of my
mother, had a large share in
my calculations; and fifty pounds
appeared to me no ordinary sum.
I must have decent clothes becoming
my station; I must, it seemed,
put out my washing, and also
pay for my four annual journeys
between Horton Lodge and home;
but with strict attention to
economy, surely twenty pounds,
or little more, would cover those
expenses, and then there would
be thirty for the bank, or little
less: what a valuable addition
to our stock! Oh, I must struggle
to keep this situation, whatever
it might be! both for my own
honour among my friends and for
the solid services I might render
them by my continuance there.
|